Retarded Horror Revue
by Burningbridges
Summary: A parody of horror movies just in time for Halloween! Wesker decides to throw a party where he'll kill everyone who's trying to stop him from his ultimate goal...
1. Chapter 1

As if things couldn't get weird enough, I had an amazingly weird idea – while listening to music in reverse-English! Yeah, odd hobby, right?

_Anyway, I'm a fan of horror movies – and I've been contemplating recently what it would be like if you took RE characters and put them in other horror movies… And since it's almost Halloween, great opportunity to write about some of my favorites! This'll be one of… well, the longest of my short stories – instead of being a few pages, it's a few installments. But it's always good to try something new._

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Retarded Horror Review

By Burning Bridges

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this, unless otherwise stated.

It was a cold and cloudy autumn day. Wesker was out doing something he really couldn't stand doing – shopping. But as much as he hated shopping, it had to be done, because tomorrow night he was throwing a party – something else he didn't like to do, but that needed to be done if he intended to ever kill off all the people who were stopping him from achieving his ultimate goal… Whatever that would end up being, since he couldn't make up his mind.

But that didn't matter – it would all be over soon, and then he'd have plenty of time to figure it out.

He only had two more places to stop, and the first of them was right across the street: the chainsaw store. He walked across the street casually, paying no mind to the people screaming at him from their cars that there was a crosswalk about two yards down. On the sidewalk, right beside the door, there were two little girls in white dresses singing 'London Bridge is falling down' happily, while they jumped rope. Of course, being himself, and having no interest in anything so innocent, he completely ignored them.

The chainsaw store was full of… what else, chainsaws… And a seriously weird looking Saddler. I say weird, because he was wearing a disco get-up that should have been banned after the 70s. "Hello, what can I help you with today?"

"I need a chainsaw," Wesker said, receiving a funny look from Saddler.

"That's pretty obvious – since that's all we have here."

"Then why did you ask what you could help me with?"

"Well, how do I know you didn't just want to use the phone or something?" Saddler pointed to a decrepit payphone on the back wall, with a large "Do Not Use" sign.

"For one, it doesn't look like it's working. For two, I still need a chainsaw," Wesker responded, starting to get a little annoyed.

"For what?"

"I'm having a party."

"What kind of party do you need a chainsaw for?"

"A party where I'll kill people."

"Ooh, can I come?"

"No."

"Then I won't sell you a chainsaw."

"Then I don't need one."

"How will you kill people then?"

"I don't know… With music," Wesker said dismissively.

"Oh, like the golden oldies?" Saddler said, taking a quick glance into the dark room behind him. After a moment, he reiterated. "I SAID the golden oldies?"

Without any warning, a chainsaw revved and Dr. Salvador came running out of the back room, somehow tripping over the door stop and slicing Saddler's hand off.

"Uh oh," Saddler muttered, "Looks like I've got to take another trip to the hospital…"

Wesker didn't waste any time getting out of there. He could kill people just as well without a chainsaw, but he still needed to stop by his last destination: the supermarket.

The supermarket was packed, with the exception of the one-hour photo place (conveniently, where he was headed), where Wesker spotted his old friend William Birkin leaning against the front counter and looking at photos with a faint smile on his face.

"Hey, Will," Wesker said, and Birkin jumped.

"Ah, Albert. For a moment, I thought you were my boss."

"Have you been making extra copies of photos again?"

"… Just a few, here and there…" he said, looking around for anyone in the vicinity who shouldn't hear this.

"What are they of this time?"

"People that would make good experimentation subjects," Birkin replied, like it was no big deal.

"Of course." Wesker rolled his eyes. Since Raccoon City, William had never been quite right in the head. "Are you coming to my party tomorrow night?"

"Absolutely."

"Great, I'll see you then."

Wesker walked out, feeling like tomorrow was going to be the greatest day ever. That is, until he noticed two little girls in white dresses singing happily, while they jumped rope.

"Take a key and lock him up, lock him up, lock him up. Take a key and lock him up, my fair lady…"

Wesker paused. "Why does this seem familiar?"

With that, he continued on his way, disregarding the whole déjà vu incident.

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Well, that's the end of part one – hope you liked it! The end wasn't so well-planned, since I had to finish it at the library, but it was okay.

This chapter's horror movies were: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (the original), One Hour Photo, and Strait Jacket (which is from 1964, so the 'London Bridge' reference is probably not very familiar).

Leave me a review, and let me know what you thought! And maybe a cheeseburger, 'cause I'm famished…


	2. Chapter 2

_Wow, I started this story almost a year ago… I had originally intended to finish it back then, but I sort of figured, this being a Halloween story, that after the 31__st__ no one would be interested in reading it anymore, so I put it off until now. I can't guarantee this chapter will be very long, because I'm in a rush right now to finish two other things and it's already 3am, but I'll put an effort into it, anyway. Hope you enjoy the update, whoever reads this after so long!_

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Chapter Two

Wesker walked up to his front door, turning the knob… And then remembering he needed his keys. "Wait, where the hell did I put the keys?"

He dug through his pockets, feeling nothing. Then he checked his shoes (why, no one knows). Still nothing. Behind the painting of the screaming guy on the bridge that he figured was inconspicuous enough that he hung it on the front of the house to hide important stuff behind? Nope.

"Hm…" He tapped his head. "I remember!"

He ran out to the mailbox, and found the keys inside, with a bunch of bills. Then he unlocked the door, suddenly recalling something.

"Oh, fuck! I forgot to call the door-to-door invitation guy! … FUCK! I forgot the groceries!"

He chucked the bills through the door, re-locking it and running for the grocery store.

A little while later, across town…

Jill failed to understand exactly why she let these people hang out at her house… All they ever did was tear stuff apart and get the cops called on her. Some friends.

"Jill, where's my beer?" she heard Chris shout, nearly chopping her thumb off.

"How should I know? Try re-tracing your steps!"

She resumed slicing vegetables for the crudite, until there was a loud crash.

"Um… That wasn't me knocking over the TV, that was me tripping over the coffee table!" called Chris, and she rolled her eyes.

Then Leon jumped through the window in the kitchen door, sending broken glass flying everywhere.

"LEON! What the hell are you doing?! Why didn't you just open the friggin' door?!"

He brushed glass off of himself, and looked at her innocently. "That's how I always make entrances."

"What? You've never done it here before."

"I haven't? Huh…" Leon said thoughtfully, and then began running and dove through the nearest window.

"Leon! You're paying for all the broken windows, you bastard!"

She sighed deeply, gathering the vegetables and putting them in a dish, heading into the living room.

Ada and Claire were both sitting on the couch, watching _Whose Line is it Anyway? _on the, now sideways and on the floor, TV, only vaguely aware of what was going on around them, they were laughing so hard.

Jill set the food on the coffee table, and Leon smashed through the front door with a shout of "Food, hooray!". Jill punched him as he ran by, causing him to lose his balance and go flying right into Claire and Ada.

"Aww, Leon, are you okay?" Claire asked politely, despite the fact he was crushing them.

"Leave him alone, he's fine," Ada murmured, and Claire got defensive.

"Why should I? What the hell makes you the authority on whether or not he's okay?"

"Because I said so, and I love him."

"I love him, too."

"Not more than me."

"Are you kidding? I knew him before you, and I love him a lot more!"

"I thought you were in love with that Steve kid, so just back off!"

The two women began punching each other back and forth, while Jill just crossed her arms and glared at them.

"Ladies, stop fighting in my house."

It didn't work.

"STOP!"

They both fell silent begrudgingly, and tossed Leon off onto the floor. Chris came into the room, not watching where he was going.

"I still can't find my beer," he complained, tripping over Leon and going face-first into the floor. "Ouch…"

The doorbell rang, and Jill headed for the front door, wanting to get away from this pathetic scene. She opened the door, finding herself face-to-face with thin air. "Hello?"

"Down here, stupid," a deep voice said, and she looked down, finding the clown-like marionette guy from SAW sitting on his tricycle at her feet. "I want to play a game."

"Uh… What?"

"Some people don't realize how lucky they are. They take their lives for granted. Just how badly do you want to live?"

"Are you going somewhere with this?"

"Yeah. Some guy named Wesker is having a party tomorrow night, and you're all invited."

"Wesker? That traitorous bastard? Why would he invite us to a party? Why would we want to go?"

"Hey, I don't make the news, I just report it," the dude replied.

"Right…"

"The party is at 7pm. Be there promptly, or die. I have to go now. I've got an appointment with some guy named Brad Vickers who is about to be trapped in some hellish nightmare until he either dies or escapes."

"Yup. Bye-bye," Jill said.

The guy turned his tricycle around and rode slowly out into the road… Where he was hit by a car.

"Oh my God! I killed a puppet!" the driver screamed, jumping out of the car.

"Guys," Jill said, slamming the door behind her, "We're invited to a party Wesker is having."

"What?" Claire said in disbelief.

"I don't know. Some puppet-marionette-thing just told me."

"Someone call 911!" the driver screamed outside.

They ignored him.

"So, are we going?"

"Do we have a choice?" Leon asked, looking up from the floor.

"He said we had to be on time, or die. So, I guess not."

"Sounds fun," they said in unison, like nothing happened.

Meanwhile…

Brad was completely lost in some cornfield he had randomly woken up in this morning. He had no idea how he'd gotten there, or how, but he was terrified (when isn't he?). The cornstalks would begin to rock back and forth when there was no wind, seemingly by their own will, and when he went to pass through dense corn walls, the stalks actually leaned out of his way. Needless to say, that was disturbing – considerate, but disturbing.

He followed an ill-defined path, passing a cornstalk cross with a man dressed in blue hanging from it. He quickly moved away from it. And then somehow passed it again, and again, and again…

"Where am I?" he whined, trying to figure out how he was going in circles when he saw something tall and dark move past quickly out of the corner of his eye. "AHH! It's the Creeper! The Creeper's after me!" he shrieked, beginning to run, flailing his arms wildly.

He could hear something behind him, but he didn't want to see what it was. Instead, he just kept running and screaming like a two-year-old girl. All of a sudden, he got tackled.

"Don't take my organs!"

"Well, that wasn't what I had planned, but…"

He opened his eyes, and was overtaken with joy. "Wesker! Am I glad to see you!" And then panic. "Oh God, Wesker! Don't kill me!"

Wesker raised an eyebrow, questioning how this man made it through life without being admitted to a mental hospital. "Did you get the message gave that marionette guy?"

"Marionette? AHH!"

"Or was he more of a puppet?"

"Puppet? AHH!"

"… I'll take that as a no."

Brad continued screaming.

"Brad, I'm taking you back to my house, where I'm going to lock you in my bathroom, and you'll have to saw your own foot off and find a route of escape, or sit in there and rot."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Brad said, having ceased his yelling.

Wesker stared at him. "You are really messed up in the head, you know that?"

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_Well, just like the first chapter from almost a year ago, that was really weird. I'm still trying to figure out how to bring everyone else into this… If you have any ideas, let me know. This chapter's movies were: SAW (I love that movie), Children of the Corn, and Jeepers Creepers._

_I'm off again for now, but I hope to be back soon! Leave me a review and let me know what you think! _


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